Paley's Journal

2003-03-05 ~ 10:22 p.m. ~ Still learning

Today is yet another busy and things happen that make you learn a lot. I’m not sure if it is in a good way. But it makes me think a lot. If we could have did things in a better way. The thing was today’s retreat had 3 muslims. 2 of which were moderate while one is a very strict muslim. Before we booked the hotel facilities, we have checked and got the certificate to state that the hotel purchases halal products. To the strict muslim, it was not enough because he was concerned with how the food was handled. So there was quite a problem at lunch trying to appease and assure him that the food was safe, but alas, he insisted that it was not up to his expectations and would want to have his lunch outside. So the other 2 joined him. We reimbursed them for their lunch and we had to get the hotel to purchase their dinner and serve them in disposable utensils because if one wants to pin-point to what extend the halal means, they can go all the way. By the time we settled everything, it was past 1:30pm. I didn’t really had appetite but I ate some food to keep it down and while I ate, I kept very quiet and was thinking. It is not that I’m trying to push responsibility, I wasn’t involved in this project very in the beginning and it were all the heads up there who decided on the hotel and food. Well, I just felt I had to be held partly responsible for decisions that I did not make. I didn’t expect the heads to forget that food is such an important criteria above accommodation and ambience. Even the foreign trainer knows how important food is to the locals. He get questioned why he wasn’t eating much, was he sick, was he ok? He felt strange that people would use food to determine a person’s well-being. Anyway, my boss was trying to complain to me about the difficulties of working with one of the heads when another external party came in. It wasn’t very appropriate to talk about it in her presence, so we were cut short. My boss went out to buy special tea break for the 3 of them. And the remaining was eaten up by the rest of the participants.

I stayed throughout today to make sure they were well fed till dinner before I came home. Now I am so tired.

Despite what happened today, I like the rhythm of my life today. In between dinner break, I had an hour by myself. I adjourned to their guest room where there are comfortable sofas where I can sit and read. I had been reading one of the spritual growth books I bought last year. But it was profound and a little hard to digest in a long run. I read it for a bit on and off during my vacation. And I knew I had way too much hands during these 2 days and so I brought it along to the seminar. I was able to grasp more concepts this time round since I had the right environment to do some serious reading. I really like one of the facilitators. She is someone I want to become. Cool, smart, spiritual, mature and graceful. She is no fashion guru. In fact, nothing on her screams “branded”. But maybe that’s what I liked about her. She’s non-intimidating, but whatever she puts on exudes comfort and confidence. And she’s so easy to talk to. She is easily about 178cm tall, for a woman, she’s really tall. She wears this black long flowy skirt with light flora prints, a very cool silver buckle belt and a nice simple top. She also puts on a long black coat. I know if I’m a man, I would be attracted to her.

Let’s get back to my reading material. Today, I read on the chapter of love. My favourite topic, but yet the most difficult topic to fully understand and grasp. Love takes lifelong learning. It really opened up my mind and further rein-force my opinions and ideals about love. I told a friend that I felt single-dom was getting smaller and smaller. With my brother getting attached, people getting married, it made me feel like I was one of the lesser population. I’m not sure if the decreasing size of single-dom makes me feel insecure and in the event, end up loving for the wrong reasons. I hope not.

I read about passive dependency in the guest room for an hour. It is quiet, I’m alone all by myself and I absorbed a lot. I made notes as I read because I wanted to jot down the key notes and concepts that meant most to me. It’s about people who tell another person that they can’t live without him/her. Passive dependent people are so busy seeking to be loved that they have no energy left to love. They define themselves solely by their relationships. I never believed I was that, because I wasn’t the kind who loves going around telling people about “we, we, we”. And I hope I won’t be that either. It’s hard, especially now that I’m not attached. How do you remind yourself not to do things like that?

I like this idea of love, it displays so much strength and freedom. “Love is the free exercise of choice. 2 people love each other only when they are quite capable to live without each other, BUT choose to live with each other.” How beautiful is that?

It’s strange, but I felt a deep sense of ease when I read that the only way to be assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love, and you cannot be a person worthy of love when your primary goal in life is to passively be loved. It becomes something that you can work on your inner side and not dependent on any external parties.

I believe so many people nowadays fall in love for wrong reasons and maybe that’s why, I haven’t made myself openly available for love to the opposite sex. Now that my healing process has seem to get shorter and shorter, I am ready to accept that I am an individual and I look forward to going out with the opposite sex. Maybe not even as a boy-girl relationship, but just hanging out and talking. I must say that I still do the same selection criteria, it’s not about looks, but rather how comfortable I feel about the person. There is this guy who tries to get my mobile number but I did not give it to him because I have a feeling he will message me non-stop and he has asked me twice to go for coffee. I gave him a “maybe” answer because I was thinking we would have a hard time trying to keep up with a conversation.

I want to end with this quote: “True love is not a feeling by which we are over-whelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision”.

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