Paley's Journal

2003-06-24 ~ 9:38 p.m. ~ Long Rant -Don't Read if you're not Up for it.

So the date was yesterday. Well there were no sparks, but I'm not really disappointed with the date itself since I did not set expectations. I'm actually more disappointed with myself, my spirit just went very low after the date. We went for coffee and chatted. He talked a lot, has his own opinions and sound very intelligent. I just wished we had something more in common. Nothing much, I didn't talk as much, there was some questions asked, but really minor stuff that couldn't be elaborated much, so he talked most of the time. Not a bad thing at all because it would have been awkward if both were silent. Because he is a teacher, it is no doubt he is very intelligent, sometimes I feel kind of shallow because the topics we talked about were stuff I do not really know much. At the end of the day as I took the bus home, I can't help but think how much more of these first time meetings do I have to go through? I don't even think I want to do this often anymore, because it does get a little tiring. Why am I even trying so hard in the first place to go out and meet? And I'm not even going out that much. This is like my 2nd date since I broke up with my ex, and let's not count the dates with Derrick because he's a pal. I am now thinking lowly of my own inability to meet and find someone who finds me desirable and someone whom I can click mentally. I think it's just so hard to meet someone whom you can click with.

The episode with V boy is getting more and more difficult, in my opinion. He seems to have gotten quite good terms with my brother and has MSN chat with him pretty often last week. They talk about stuff. I came to know last week that V boy's girl friend has just given birth to a baby girl recently, I asked if it was his daughter, and he said he would never tell, then added well it was his girlfriend, so there might be a possibility. I just don't think he was very honest about it all. A baby takes 9 months to be born, it could have meant he had a girl friend for the past 9 months, but he didn't really disclose it, I didn't even know his gf was pregnant in the first place. It seems hazy and if my brother wasn't involved in all this, my attitude towards him could have changed easily, I mean I can pretty much ignore him. But it seems a little difficult now, as I didn't want my brother to know our stuff (there isn't much to begin with) but I just didn't want my brother to be invovled or know anything about us. I have decided that I know I can't be too obvious for now, but I have gotten a couple of other friends who play the game as well, so whenever he hosts and when I'm in the mood for a game, I'll ask my friends to go in and play with me, but I pretty much want to limit my conversation with him. Trust me, I think things are very clear now that we're just game buddies but nothing more. I'm sure my initial good feelings for him will slowly fade away.

I have a couple emails from local guys, but nobody is able to take my style. I quiz, and put them on hotspot. I deliberately do that because I want to know if they can be stretched. After a while, these guys fizzled away like a can of coke losing all its gas. I asked very probing questions about are they a quitter or stayer, what do you view on homosexuality, mail order brides, migration to other countries, in the 3-4th email exchange. This guy says I'm like doing a survey and don't seem to want to know him. Well, I told him we pretty much covered the basics of job, hobbies in the earlier correspondence and I am more interested to know what people thinks about thought-provoking topics. He also says I owe him answers to some questions. I wrote him back with a long one, with my answers and everything and he never wrote back. I don't think he could stand me. Another guy pretty much copied my format in the profile and used that format, to describe himself. I just wasn't impressed with that, it lacks originality and doesn't show much sincerity. So I never wrote back. I have such a bad attitude.

I'm putting in a little more effort to find a job elsewhere. Red boy has kindly helped to pinpoint me to the correct websites to look for jobs in Canada. Oh Redboy is the cute canadian 22 yr old boy who lives in Vancouver and had a 2-3 hrs conversation with me on the phone last saturday. I call him Redboy because he has Red hair. Red Boy and I had a little tiff this morning. I told him I had a date, and I think he took it quite badly. I told him very frankly that although I do like him, but we never know anything unless we meet to find out, so we must go on with our lives right now. I left the chat in a hurry to go to work, but also very upset because I didn't want a silly date to spoil a friendship, we did share our own breakup stories on the phone, and so I did value his friendship. When I got back to work, he told me it was right and he thought about it and we should go on with lives. He is very helpful and wants to help me find jobs in vancouver. So well, I guess I'll work on posting resumes and all. I really do hope to get out of here and work and live elsewhere. A change in life will be good for me, I'm sure.

I'm angry with the girls over the picnic that is supposedly to be this Saturday. I don't understand why Tracy and I are always doing all the work, thinking of the food, and contigency plans when the organizer don't even give a shit. We're equally fed up and we're just not going to email the girls anymore. I'll take it as the picnic is off, I don't care, since I could probably use the time to stay home and do more work or even just laze around.

Tracy and I are still interested to find a resort and go for our getaway. We got 2 ladies who are those who will not procrastinate and will go as long as the plan is on, so we're joining them. Heck the other girls because one could never answer a yes or no question, but pours cold water on your idea with what if...why must it be... I got pissed off reading those emails.

This is a long rant.

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