This article discusses how men can at times perceive what they hear from

the women in their life and what the women and men of the group can do to

make the relationship and that bond stronger, better, and healthier for

everyone involved.

I ask the women of the group, have you ever had a "discussion" with your

partner that ended up turning into a litany of past grievances, the things

he did wrong, the ways he hurt you, and what he owes you now? It happens

at some point in nearly every relationship, but the fact remains; men

cringe when they feel this coming.

When a man fears that his words will later be distorted, misunderstood,

told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up.

And the only way to move beyond this communication trap is to realize that

whatever happened in the past, whatever he did or said, you were involved

as well.

All relationships are dances. No one is entirely good and no one entirely

bad. In fact, rather than seeing anyone as good or bad, it is more useful

to notice the roles being played in the relationship and the ways in which

all of us become stuck in patterns that we don't know how to get out of.

For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the

blame of the relationship in order to validate their own feelings and feel

powerful over their partner. In fact, they may hold a man to them in this

way for a while. But it's a sure sign that the communication has

completely closed down and the relationship is on the rocks.

If you want to avoid or change this sorry state of affairs and help him

speak to you openly, try this. Take responsibility for your part in the

situation and see the ways in which you might have contributed to what

happened. This does not mean blaming yourself, either. Just to look at the

situation with a large eye. Focus on all the things he did "right," not

"wrong." If you need more direction here, take out your journal and make

lists of what you've received from the relationship and what you've given

in return. Notice times when you were also less than perfect, and notice

the ways in which both of you have grown and changed.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was

true a year ago about him (and about yourself as well) may not be true

now. Stay focused in the present. True communication requires the ability

to remain in the present and to let the past be over when it's done.

===> Become a Solid -- and Secure -- Listener

Is it even possible to have honest relationships? The assumption is that

everybody's going to be honest. The truth is, few people are. And the main

reason that people are dishonest is that the consequences are too big.

Many men feel that women want and need to be lied to because they can't

take the honest truth. Some of my reader's have said that they fear

telling their partner what is really going on in their lives, or how they

truly feel because it will upset her. In fact, many women use their

emotions to control men -- and control the relationship. They demand

certain responses from men, and feel devastated if they don't get them.

Then they're surprised when he shuts down and doesn't talk.

Unfortunately, many women also have strong images of how a man is

"supposed" to feel, and think. That kind of fantasy makes the truth

devastating, so they let the man know in many subtle ways that they do not

want it. Sound familiar? We're all guilty of this from time to time, but

being willing to listen to what he has to say is the beginning of a truly

mature relationship. It gives the man the feeling that he has a solid

partner who will be there with him through thick and thin.

If you're ready to break out of this unrealistic rut, it's time to ask

yourself three things. How much of the truth you can tolerate? How much do

you really want? Do you want your man to be a fantasy figure for you, or

are you willing to allow him to become real? These are huge questions.

Perhaps you cannot take all of the truth at once right now, but you can

certainly build up your tolerance muscles and move in that direction.

Oddly enough, we all think that fantasy makes us feel wonderful, but in

fact, the more reality we can take, the stronger we grow. The ability to

accept honesty from others increases as we realize that true security

comes not from the approval of others but from being true to ourselves.

===> Be True to Yourself -- Be Aware

It's an old question but a good one. How can we be true to another if we

aren't true to ourselves? The best way to help a man open up is simply to

be open yourself, be natural, be real and exude an atmosphere of warmth

and acceptance. Those who we encounter in life are mirrors of different

parts of ourselves and we attract certain people who each help us love

another part of ourselves.

This is why it's important to apply the topics covered here not only to the

men in our lives but also to ourselves. For example, are you able to let go

of judging yourself? Do you dismiss past grievances about the things

you've done wrong? Or are you always dwelling on mistakes you've made,

ways in which you've fallen short? When you treat yourself this way, it is

only natural to do the same thing to your partner. If when young you were

always scolded or made to feel inadequate in some way, you are likely to

act the same way toward your man.

Awareness is crucial here. If you want to create a more open dynamic

between your partner and yourself, take a strong inventory of the way you

treat and regard yourself and the way you were treated by the significant

others of your past. If you were hurt, this is your chance to make a

decision to not live your life on automatic-pilot-of-the-past anymore.

Turn it around. Decide to be kind and accepting, both of yourself and to

the one you're with.

For both the men and the women of this group we must all remember that

sometimes we give in to another in the expectation of receiving the same

in return. When that doesn't happen, silent fury starts to build. That is

behaving with an agenda, giving mixed messages and not being true to

another or yourself.

In order to give of yourself truly, you have to realize that you "get" as

much out of giving as out of receiving. When you give the other

unconditional respect and regard, you are giving that to yourself as well.

You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always

reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are

building a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate,

you won't have to feel like it's your failing or loss. Instead you will

easily move on to someone who is more like you.

The bottom line: Be true to yourself and you will find that it is

contagious. The men (and women) you are with will start to behave the same

way. They will communicate openly and naturally, not with a fixed agenda,

not to manipulate or control. If they don't behave this way, they will

naturally move out of your life -- to a place that is more appropriate for

them.

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