I wonder if I would ever find a place where I can feel myself fitting into. I feel out of place right now, but I don’t want to change myself to fit right in, because that wouldn’t be authentic. I would lose myself in doing so. And if I don’t, that’s when I feel like I don’t belong right here. That’s the dilemma. I am afraid, because it seems I’m the only one out of my friends and peers who have such unrealistic dreams. Everyone is or has already planted their seeds here, but I have nothing right here, nothing to hold me back. When I think about that, I feel like I’m so different from them. That scares me.

My patience for moving away is wearing thin, and I can’t wait till things are more settled. But I do not want to rush the process and get myself in neither position. I’m nervous, afraid, excited and forward-looking. I know that I must give it a try once in a life time, even if I come back empty handed, I know that I gave it a try. My nature is such that I would be feeling lifeless if I didn’t even try spreading my wings.

Today, I encourage O to talk to her secret admirer in the bookshop. She liked this guy but all she does is goes to the bookshop, passes by his counter, and go to some book shelves and read her books. I think this guy knows that she likes him, that’s why he would hang around her when she’s around, but nobody takes the initiative to speak to one another. Today, she broke the silence. I told her to go and ask him where to sign up for the membership. She finally did. I hope that this is the first move, and after this, the guy would take the signs and take the 2nd move, then we would have a story going on. Let’s see. In real life, I would only encourage people to go for it, but when it comes to me, I wonder if I would do the same. I don’t know, because I’ve never had that experience and I never felt anything for someone in the bookshop or stores that I had to keep going there to just take a look at him.

The other day, O told me that she was upset that her younger brother is planning to migrate to New Zealand. I said that I was happy for him. She said I was the only one who would always be so upbeat and encouraging about people’s plans. Be it love, dreams, jobs, aspirations. I always tell her to go for it. I dare not tell her that’s because I wanted to move out of here as well, that’s why I’m very happy for him. She has a very close-knitted family and she is that kind who wants her family to be near her. I am the one who doesn’t mind people moving away so that I get an opportunity to travel with the excuse of visiting. I also don’t mind that my family member is far away from me because you can be close in other ways other than proximity.


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